depression...
Tuesday, April 11, 2006
Song of the moment - Lemon Tree - Fools Garden...(hahaha, it's a modern classic now)
I remembered back when I was in school (Form 5 to be exact) when I was going through this really dark time. I was just feeling down all the time, n i remembered bursting into tears at school over nothing. I was just feeling....down. I guess you could say it was the SPM stress, but I dunno, I just felt bloody depressed and crappy. My friends distanced themselves from me (or maybe it was the other way around, i can't remember) and the stress of the exams just kept gnawing at me. It was ridiculous! I remembered thinking, am I really that bad of a friend? Why is everyone avoiding me? I know it's like really petty stuff, but y'know, school was literally my life back then. And when friends distance themselves from you, you just can't help but ask, WHY? And then I realised that most of my friends were beautiful and were busy catching the boys' eyes and I didn't have the looks to do that so yes, it depressed me then. I mean, I was never the beautiful one. I was the smart one, the big sister, the budak kecik, the doctor's daughter, the garang Cleanliness leader...but never the beautiful one.
Heck, even now I'm not the beautiful one. I know that when I go out with my cousin or sister, people will be looking at them, not at me. They're gorgeous! Next to them, I look really weird. But before you think that I'm going to go into this pathetic, pity me phase, I realised that even though I will never be beautiful to a lot of people, my family n true friends love me for who I am. To them, I'm a great listener, i'm weird, i'm their driver, i'm goofy, i'm sarcastic, i understand them n they know they can come to me when they have problems. I'm just that sort of person, I guess. I like to help people but somehow, I just can't help myself. Don't ask me why. I just don't open up to people that well. I'm the type that bottles up all her emotions inside n it's really saddening, but I just can't bring myself to talk about it.
So what did I do when I realised that I was going through a slight depression? I just did what I do best..i STUDIED...mwahahahahahaha! Yep, it's true....I realised that if I can't excel in the looks n social department, I can at least make sure that I'll be able to get good grades! So I hung out with people that can help me with my studies n accepted me for my fat, sarcastic, annoying self and studied for my exams. So in the end, I managed to get 7 A's out of the possible 10 for my SPM n to know that I did it on my own was the best gift I could give myself. I learnt to appreciate what I have...but it's still a bit hard. As a human being, you don't stop wanting and needing and sometimes I do wish that I have someone special who will love me for who I am, warts and all and can be there for me when I need them. But hey, I'm not going to be all depressed again over nothing. Been there, done that, not planning on going back.
So why am I saying all this? I really don't know...I guess I just want to let go of my past n not be an emo, depressed loser anymore.
PS: I changed my layout again! Pink was just too....pink!
I remembered back when I was in school (Form 5 to be exact) when I was going through this really dark time. I was just feeling down all the time, n i remembered bursting into tears at school over nothing. I was just feeling....down. I guess you could say it was the SPM stress, but I dunno, I just felt bloody depressed and crappy. My friends distanced themselves from me (or maybe it was the other way around, i can't remember) and the stress of the exams just kept gnawing at me. It was ridiculous! I remembered thinking, am I really that bad of a friend? Why is everyone avoiding me? I know it's like really petty stuff, but y'know, school was literally my life back then. And when friends distance themselves from you, you just can't help but ask, WHY? And then I realised that most of my friends were beautiful and were busy catching the boys' eyes and I didn't have the looks to do that so yes, it depressed me then. I mean, I was never the beautiful one. I was the smart one, the big sister, the budak kecik, the doctor's daughter, the garang Cleanliness leader...but never the beautiful one.
Heck, even now I'm not the beautiful one. I know that when I go out with my cousin or sister, people will be looking at them, not at me. They're gorgeous! Next to them, I look really weird. But before you think that I'm going to go into this pathetic, pity me phase, I realised that even though I will never be beautiful to a lot of people, my family n true friends love me for who I am. To them, I'm a great listener, i'm weird, i'm their driver, i'm goofy, i'm sarcastic, i understand them n they know they can come to me when they have problems. I'm just that sort of person, I guess. I like to help people but somehow, I just can't help myself. Don't ask me why. I just don't open up to people that well. I'm the type that bottles up all her emotions inside n it's really saddening, but I just can't bring myself to talk about it.
So what did I do when I realised that I was going through a slight depression? I just did what I do best..i STUDIED...mwahahahahahaha! Yep, it's true....I realised that if I can't excel in the looks n social department, I can at least make sure that I'll be able to get good grades! So I hung out with people that can help me with my studies n accepted me for my fat, sarcastic, annoying self and studied for my exams. So in the end, I managed to get 7 A's out of the possible 10 for my SPM n to know that I did it on my own was the best gift I could give myself. I learnt to appreciate what I have...but it's still a bit hard. As a human being, you don't stop wanting and needing and sometimes I do wish that I have someone special who will love me for who I am, warts and all and can be there for me when I need them. But hey, I'm not going to be all depressed again over nothing. Been there, done that, not planning on going back.
So why am I saying all this? I really don't know...I guess I just want to let go of my past n not be an emo, depressed loser anymore.
PS: I changed my layout again! Pink was just too....pink!
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